A Series of Unfortunate Events

I don’t even know where to start, I am not the type of person to share such personal things, but I am hoping that this will help me heal and move on.  I am not looking for sympathy, just want be able to give some understanding of what has been happening in my life the past 3 months and why I may have seemed different.  I have been in a fog and in my head for some time now, not realizing until recently that I have been tuning almost everything out in my life as if I have been on autopilot for the past 3 months.

We decided sometime late last year we were going to get our house ready to sell and put it on the market.  I told Dru that I wanted to get through the holidays first and then we could start.  We worked hard for two full months clearing out the house and packing what little we wanted to keep in a POD and countless trips to the dumps and goodwill.  We pretty much purged everything.  We had decided we would be starting fresh, which sounded so good at the time. There were countless hours painting and cleaning and fixing things in the interior to get our house completely empty, because I thought it would sell faster.  We moved in with my parents who have been so generous to us. We finally got the house on the market at the end of May. 

As most of you know I am a planner and I like to have control most aspects of what happens in my life.  I need to have everything laid out and ready to go months in advance.  This home selling process doesn’t allow for me to be on my time.  We are at the whim of some stranger’s to decide our house could be their gem and decide to make it there own. 

We had gotten everything out of our house except for all the tools that we used to fix the house, two bikes and some other miscellaneous items.  I had some time one morning, the same morning that Dru had off and had planned to go get the tools and the left-over things in the garage of the house.  Something told me I should go check on the house, so I drove by, as I pulled up I saw our Garage door wide open and the light on in there.  My heart sank, I knew right away that Mattias’ almost $500 bike was probably gone before I even entered the garage.  I took pictures as I enter the garage, All the tools, and Mattias bike were gone.  I called the realtor first who told me we needed to get the rest of the items out of there, then I called Dru and then the police.  I have never felt so violated, it had to be someone who had walked the house as you wouldn’t know all those items were there without walking the house. 

That day I realized that this process really sucks and I now even more than ever want nothing to do with this house.  I wanted out.  That was June 4^th.

The house wasn’t the only let down / surprise for me.  I should be 17 weeks pregnant right now.  I know...Surprise!  It wasn’t planned, like I said before I am a planner, so we didn’t tell many people at all.  Pretty much it was me and my husband who know for the majority of the time.  We went in for the 9-week checkup, we were both super excited and nervous we were joking about how many we thought it could be (my age and family history of twins) and how we were going to tell people.  The doctor who I adore dearly came in and we did an ultrasound, we saw the baby, but there was no heart beat and it was measure about 6 weeks.  She said that she wasn’t sure what was going on and we should do another follow up checkup in a week, but chances are is that the baby stopped growing at the 6-week mark and we would probably have to abort the baby.  That was probably one of the longest weeks ever, wondering why this was happening.  We still hadn’t told anyone, until the day of the appointment, I told my boss, and one other co-worker boss like person because I wasn’t sure what the process would be and if I did have to abort the baby I didn’t know if I would need to be off work.  We went back to our 10-week appointment and found the same prognosis, no heart beat or fetal movement.  We then had to make the decision on how to have this baby be taken out.  We decide to have it taken out by D&C.  I would just like to say that that procedure is the most awkward and pain full procedure and that I would never want to have go through that again.  I was super sore for days.  You also have to stay low key for the first 3 days, which was hard, since I didn’t share with many people including my kids who still to this day don’t know.  Life was still happening and we still had to go on as if nothing happened.

We finally received an offer on the house and we countered and finally came to an agreement.  The day of the inspections we went to look at this house, which we really liked, while we were walking the house we received a phone call from our realtor and the buyer backed out.  The buyer was at his max purchase price and he was buying the house AS IS because if the offer price that we took, which he had agreed too.   I guess he didn't like the AS IS after all.  We can’t know what’s in the inspection because if we did then we would have to disclose what was found in the inspection.  It just seems like there has been one let down after another the past 3 months.

At work, I have been status quote, I have been doing what I have needed to do to get through the day, but reflecting back, I am and can be better than I have been for the past 3 months.  I haven’t been horrible, but I do have high expectations for myself and I haven’t met those expectations.

I have always believed everything happens for a reason and that there are lessons to be learned when not so great things happen.  But with all of this turmoil I am still trying to understand why, and what the reasons are for these lessons in life. 

I was on Pinterest about two weeks ago and found this post 15 Lessons Learned from Miscarriage. This is when my wake up call began and the fog began to lift.  I am finally present again realizing that I have ignored family including my kids as soon as I get home (my parents’ house), I had sat on their deck and watch life flow right by me.  Not wanting to do anything.  As peaceful as it was and is, I need to get back to the present and start enjoying life again.  Slowly, but surely, I will.

I still have my moments, but by sharing this hopefully this will help me move on and maybe my story will help others.  Know that everyone has their own battles in life and even though it may not seem like it we all are working through something in life, somethings may be good and somethings may not be so good. Life isn't roses all the time and people may not share the difficult things that happen in their life all the time or until they are ready to.

November the Thankful Month

For the past couple of days many of my friends have been posting thankful thoughts about their life.  I am thankful everyday, but I don't always say it out loud so, I thought I would try it on here for the month of November.  Since I am a few days behind, I thought that I would start at November 1st and work my way forward to the present day.  Then hopefully continue for the rest of the month. (Pictures to come)

Here we go

November 1st, 2012 - I am thankful for my family and friends they are always a great support system when needed.

November 2nd, 2012 - I am thankful for my husband.  He is a great person, but today he was extra special to me, because he did great in a family emergency.  Our daughter has been sick for the past couple of days and he watched her extra careful and for what ever reason, something told him to check on her and he found her having a Febrile Seizure.  Thank you for you attentiveness and quick action in taking care of our daughter.

November 3rd, 2012 - I am thankful that I got to hangout with family I don't get to see very often, because they live in another state.

November 4th, 2012 - I am thankful that my son who is such a great kid.  He is a big helper when we need it.  He is super smart for his age and he loves playing sports, his favorite being hockey of course.

November 5th, 2012 - I am thankful for my daughter, even though I know she is still not feeling 100%, she still makes me laugh.  She is so funny at times and it just cracks me up.  She know how to make me feel better at anytime.

November 6th, 2012 - I am thankful that the endless ads and election campaigns are ending today.  Now we can all breath and enjoy life again.

November 7th, 2012 - I am thankful that I have the ability to help in my kids classrooms on specific days.  Today I got to help in Mattias' class room.  Next week I will get to help in Kristin's class room.

November 8th, 2012 - I am thankful that I have such a flexible job, and some great supervisors.  I have the next four days off for rest & relaxation!

Wishing it was warm again, but hoping for some snow this winter:)

November 9th, 2012 - I am thankful that I have a great acupuncturist.  Who helps me find time for myself and relax.  She is my therapist, mentally, physically and helps me get well again.

November 10th, 2012 - I am thankful that the kids have some great cousins that are local and more are coming.  It was great seeing cousin Broden today!

November 11th, 2012 - Today I am thankful for all the men & women who service our country to keep us safe.  I have many family members & Friends in the military and I appreciate them all.

November 12th, 2012 - I am thankful for all the ways my kids pronunciation their words.  For example Mattias pronounces Ridiculous as re-dic-lee-us and Kristin pronounces ukulele as Hu-ka-lele.  It just cracks me up.  Too cute!

November 13th, 2012 - I am thankful for all the support in my neighborhood & kids school.  THEY mean business.  When there is a problem in the neighborhood, they take care of it.

November 14th, 2012 - I am thankful that I still get to use my EMT skills from time to time at work.

November 15h, 2012 - I am thankful that we have an auctioneer for our school auction and that he has given me a lot of ideas to move forward on with the auction.

November 16th, 2012 - I am thankful for all my kids past & present teachers they are all amazing and I enjoy seeing my kids progress in life.

November 17th, 2012 - I am thankful for snuggle time with the kids.  They are getting bigger and almost to an age that they might not want to snuggle any more.

November 18th, 2012 - I am thankful that I have a great crew of employees who can make me laugh and are fun to work with.

November 19th, 2012 - I am thankful for all the people that thanked me for trying to clear the drain that was flooding the street in a torrential down pour.

November 20th, 2012 - I am thankful that my supervisor & I are on the same page for things at work.  It makes working with / for her a lot easier and I am glad I can make her laugh from time to time.

November 21st, 2012 - I am thankful that my husband & son share the same passion in hockey and that they can go out and play it together.

November 22nd, 2012 - I am thankful that today is a day to be thankful and that I got to spend the day with my husband & kids with no hurrying through out the day.  We spent the afternoon / evening with my parents, my brothers and their wife / girlfriend, kids and grandma.  It was a nice & peaceful day.

November 23rd, 2012 - I am thankful that we got to watch the Winterhawks play with some great friends & family and after the game one of the sweetest Winterhawks players walked up to Kristin and said, "Hey Cutie, do you want my stick?"  Almost put me to tears.  Brendan Leipsic is a #gem

I am also thankful that my father -in -law was able to come watch the winterhawks and then Mattias play some ice hockey.  He was really impressed with Mattias :)

November 24th, 2012 - Today I am thankful for being able to let my son play hockey and watch him play in his hockey tournament.  He played so well.  He had 2 hat tricks and skated so hard.  He played so well he got moved to another team during his last game to even out the teams.  They definitely weren't as strong as a team as his first one.  I am also thankful for my parents who came and supported Mattias and are so impressed with him.

November 25th, 2012 - Today I am thankful a day of NOTHING to do.  We don't have these very often, but it was much needed.  We did write letters to Santa, we just didn't have to go any where.

November 26th, 2012 - Today I am thankful for the great Bredan Leipsic again.  We went to a Winterhawks signing to have him sign the stick he gave Kristin Friday evening and he remembered her.  It was too cute.  We had her take a picture with him too.

November 27th, 2012 -  I am thankful that tonight I actually have some time & motivation to get some much needed laundry & dishes done.  Need to get the house straightened up before we decorate for Christmas.

Happy Halloween 2012

Halloween was fun this year.  Instead of going out and buying their favorite costumes at the store I made them with fabric and supplies that we had at home.  Not only cheaper, but I think that they turned out really cute too.

This Year Mattias wanted to be a Zombie Hockey Player, so I googled it so see what it might look like.  We have plenty of hockey jersey's since he plays hockey, add a little of zombie make-up and wa la you have a Zombie Hockey Player.

 

At School Party

 Official Zombie Make up with blood

For Mattias' Class Room Party they played a game in teams, to dress one of their classmates into a mummy.  Mattias was the lucky mummy.  Here are some pictures of the game.  It was a lot of fun, lots of giggling going on.

 

A Mattias' Mummy

 

 

I asked Kristin what she wanted to be and surprise surprise, she said a princess.  I asked her what color dress for a princess and she said pink.  I started looking at fabric and found some great pink sparkle tool & some very nice pink fabric for the top.

 

 At School Party

Best friends (Kristin, Emma & Mattie)

 Her Princess make-up for the evening

 

 

Pumpkin Carving/Decorating -

This year we (as in me) waiting until the last minute to get our pumpkins and we carved them the night before Halloween.  We did carve them and I gutted them out for the kids, since they didn't like the feeling of insides.  Kristin also choose to draw on hers.  Check them out.

 

 

 



Today you would be 33, it seems like a life time ago

Kristin Ray Duell 10/23/79-12/20/95

It’s hard to believe that today was your 33^rd birthday; it is even harder to believe that you have been gone for 17 years.  I think of you often, wonder what your life is like now.  As I visit your grave site like I do every year on your birthday, I taken in all of the sounds that are going on around me.  Some years, the wind is blowing, the birds chirping, the rain falling, the sun shining, the small animals running through the trees, the pinwheels from the other grave sites spinning and the wind chimes that lay next to your plaque.  It’s just the way you would of wanted it, outdoors & peaceful with the animals.  You were always into nature, animals, and peace.  It is so peaceful spending time with you, I wish I could do it more often, but I always make sure to come on your birthday.  Celebrating your life, it what keeps me going. 

It is really weird, but almost calming that you come to me in my dreams at time.  Like the eve of my wedding, I stayed at my parents’ house that night, I had a dream that it was the morning of my wedding and I went to visit you before I went to get my hair done.  I walked up to your tree and you popped your head out from around the tree.  We didn’t use a lot of words, but somehow we were able to communicate.  We chased each other through the trees, laughed and hugged then my alarm woke me up.  I think it was the best dream I have ever had.  I got right up took a shower, ate breakfast and headed out to see you.  I even told you about my dream, said my peace and went on my way to get married.  There have been other times that you have come to me in my dreams; we are always running and playing in the Forrest like we did as kids in your backyard and your neighbors.

I have found little ways to keep you in my life; right after you passed I created this big picture memorial of you, which I still have.  I love wolves, just like you, I still have the purple candle and plate that I lite in your honor at my wedding, and I had honored to have your parents blessing to name my wonderful daughter after you. 

The day Kristin was born; it was like a breath of fresh air in my life again.  It was almost as if I had you back.  She has blonde hair like you, she doesn’t have brown eyes, she has my blue, instead.  She is full of life, she is friendly and outgoing, she loves horses, she smiles like you use to, she loves the outdoors, dirt and animals, but at the same time, she is athletic like me.  She is the perfect combination of both of our personalities.  She makes me laugh when no one else can, just like you use to.

I only have two regrets in this world when it comes to you, I wish I was stronger and would of went into your room and saw you before you passed.  I make sure that I do that now with all of my family, it was not fair to you that I didn’t do that and for that I am sorry.  The second thing is that I wish I would have stayed in better contact with your parents and brother.  I had planned to stay in contact with your parents, but it was hard, it was hard on me, seeing how hard it was on them.  Your mom and dad are wonderful people they were like my second parents just like you were like my sister. 

You were one of my very best friends in this world, I miss you, and I think of you often.

Love you always

And the results are.....

We went in today for more extensive testing for Kristin on her possible dairy allergy.  Kristin has been off of Dairy for a week now.  The Doctors office had me bring in dairy products that I feed her on a regular basis.  I picked up some chocolate milk from school (she loved using her lunch card to buy milk), Cream Cheese, String Cheese, Cheddar Cheese and her honey suckle flower. 

Ok ok I am going to get a little off track for a moment and share the honey suckle flower story, on the Tuesday that Kristin had her big allergic reaction, she told me that morning while we were waiting for school to start that she liked honey.  I looked at her kind of funny and asked her, “How do you know you like honey?”  I can’t remember a time that I have actually given her honey, especially more recently.  She then goes into detail that her friends and her go over to a plant on the fence by the playground and suck honey from the flowers like the bees do.  I then proceed to explain to her that sucking honey from flowers can make you very sick and that only bees can do that.  I made her promise me not to do that anymore.

Back to present day, so we were checked into our room and I handed the nurse the foods that we brought and the flower.  She took them out of the room and said she had to get them ready for testing.  She comes back in a few minutes later and I realize that they are going to do the skin test with the actual foods.  Kristin realizes that too and falls apart.  It took some huge coaxing and bribing of toys at the store and letting the doctor know that she was ok with the stuff on the counter in our room, but not to bring in the testing kit in, just the actual test.  They thought that was a great idea and Kristin finally agreed to the testing.

 Kristin got to cuddle with a Teddy Bear, even though she agreed, she was still upset for a little bit.

 To start off she drew on Kristin’s back labeling saline, Histamine and the numbers that they numbered each food and flower.  She got poked 8 times, with 8 different foods and pollen.  We had to wait 15 minutes for the test.  She seemed to be a little inflamed with the milk, cream cheese, and String cheese.  The cheddar cheese was slightly less and the plant was pretty much nonexistent.  The doctor came back in and looked at the results.  She then decided to wait a little bit longer to see if it changed any more.  Once they came back in they decided to an oral test.   What that consisted of is them diluting the chocolate milk to 1/1000 or 1/10000, I can’t remember.  They put it in a syringe without a needle and the squirt it in her mouth.  Then they made her blow into a respiratory tester thing.  About half way into the 15 minutes I noticed that her cheeks were becoming flush.  I opened the door to our room, no one was to be seeing and so I decided to look at the clock.  There was still 7 minutes left.  I went back in and waited for a little be longer and it seemed like at this point her face was starting to swell, so I opened the door again and looked at the time.  The doctor was at the desk, so I mentioned to her that she was flushed and her cheeks are swelling.  She came right in and agreed and stopped the test.  They immediately gave her some zyrtec , and decided that she was in fact allergic to milk.  She then wanted us to come back on Wednesday to check the cream cheese orally.  I told the nurse that I really didn’t want to put her through that again.  Her back results were pretty equal for milk, cream cheese and string cheese, so I would rather just be dairy free and come back in 3 months for a checkup.  She asked the doctor and she was fine with that solution. 

It might be a little hard to see, but all the the red dots are the allergens on her skin from today.

As a parent and a person myself allergic to foods, I felt there was no reason to closely monitor what possible dairy she might be able to have and what she couldn’t have.  It just seems easier to not allow it at all for now.  Hopefully in the future she will be able to go back to having dairy again, but for now, she will have to be dairy free.

Allergies ~ Schmallergies the life we have to live by

It all started when Mattias was about one. When we would give him a bottle at night he would usually projectile vomit it back up about 15 minutes later. Finally when we at the doctor's I asked her about it and she thought we should get his blood drawn to check it out. So we did, my poor little baby it took three of us to hold him down to get his blood drawn. Once we were done we went home and waited. It didn't take that long maybe a day for the nurse to call me and tell me that my son was basically allergic to the world. He was allergic to Cats, Dogs, Peanuts, Eggs, Wheat, Dairy, I am sure the list was even longer, but that is all I can remember 6 years later.

This was a huge hit, I was expecting one little thing like a dairy allergy, but it was a ton of things. Completely overwhelmed on how I was going to feed my child, what could he actually eat. Well let me tell you, as overwhelmed as I was, and I did shed a few tears over this, I learned that I had to read food labels. Reading food labels in a busy grocery store when all you want to do is get your items and get out was not fun. The other not so fun thing was me having to change my diet too, how else are you going to get a toddler to eat food that you won't eat? I did and made a few errors on the way, like vegan cheese, not so great back then. You know when you you’re starting to feed your baby baby food and try some to get them to try it and even though it is completely awful you do your best to make the best this is the best food ever face? Well I couldn't do that for him with the vegan cheese.

The doctor also wanted to go see an Allergist Specialist, so we went and met a specialist. She wanted us to continue staying away from all of the foods for now and even wanted us to consider getting rid of our cats. Mattias had a lot of respiratory issues. A year later we tested him again, and there were only three allergies that remained. Cats, Eggs and Peanuts. This was a lot easier to cope with and we slowly added dairy and wheat back into our diet. He has done well with that.

Then we had Kristin, we started her off with all the normal baby foods, and about one year old, I took her to get checked at the allergist too. Surprise Surprise she tested positive for Cat, Eggs and Peanuts too. At least we were already avoiding these items because of Mattias, so we painfully gave up our cats and continued to feed our kids everything, but Eggs & Peanuts.

Then they gave us Epi Pens to carry with us at all time.  We were really good at first taking the Epi Pens everywhere with us.

Last year 2011

 I went to see a natural path because I was so done with my allergies.  Basically what I found out that I was severely intolerant to Gluten.  I was actually 30 points higher than high.  Basically my body was creating mucous and making my nose stuffy all the time, because it was ruining my stomach lining.  She said that I might have to give up dairy eventually, because the gluten & dairy protein are very similar.  I gave up Gluten for 6 months, but I practically lived on Dairy because I could have breads and other quick snacks that I liked.  Eventually I gave up dairy too and I am even better.

Fast forward to the present year

The kids have really had no problems with their allergies, we don’t expose them to any of the foods they are allergic too.   I have even been way more relaxed on carrying their Epi Pens most of the summer; I didn’t even have them on me.

Late August, we went in for our annual check up, so see how they are doing.  Mattias choose not to get testing to see if he is still allergic, so he is still allergic until we have the test done again and the doctor is not pushing him to get tested.  We got a new Epi-Pen for him.  Kristin this past winter, Spring & Summer (well pretty much year round) has Psoriasis.   She gets scaly, red & dry skin patches all over her body.  We saw a dermatologist and we are now doing Phototherapy every week and she is getting better.  So I wanted to get her checked out for a Dairy allergy too.  She doesn’t east cheese very often and she loves milk, but complains of a stomachache afterwards.  They did the test and it came back negative, which was very exciting to me.  They wrote her a prescription for an Epi- Pen too.

 

Tuesday October 9^th, 2012

I was at work today and received a phone call from Jean, the secretary, at Llewellyn.  She asked for me and then told me there is nothing to worries about, but Kristin’s eyes are swelling and that I should bring her some Benadryl and come pick her up from school.  I quickly left work, went to target to get some Benadryl and headed to school.  It is amazing how slow people go when you’re in a hurry, it felt like an eternity before I got there.  This is what I arrived too:

 

Kristin as soon as I arrived to school

I took one look at her and said oh sweetie, poured her some Benadryl, and took her picture. 

 

You might think I am crazy for taking her picture, but I learned long ago when Mattias was broken out into Hives, gave him some Benadryl and by time we got to the doctor they were all gone and it was pretty much a wasted trip with a sit and wait game.  Later that evening they came back.

I questioned Kristin repeatedly if she shared food this day, or eat candy or play with a flower “that had honey” this is a story for another day.

I called the doctor on the way out of the school.  We had to see a different doctor, and she said just continue with the Benadryl.  The next day, her eyes were still puffy, but not nearly what they were the day before, but being a mom, I called the doctor again.  They said they could see me tomorrow.  We went and saw Doctor Shah Thursday, and showed her the pictures, she examines her and even tested her for strep throat, because it was red, her test came back negative, and she prescribe her Prednisone to help with her inflammation.  She also suggested we follow up with the Allergist. 

This was later in the afternoon after visting the doctor

This was at bed time the first night

This was the next day

Today we went and saw the Allergist.  We talked and talked and they decided to rest her egg and dairy skin test.  Well this time her egg is still positive and now dairy is positive.  So now we are Dairy Free for Kristin, for at least a week. 

Here is her skin test today. The H is a Histamine, the S is saline (Neutralizer) 1 & 2 are Egg (white & Yolk) and 4 &5 is dairy (casein and milk). As you can see they are all pretty equal minus the "S"

We are going to go in next week and do a two hour test with dairy foods that we feed her on a day to day basis.  So until next week Kristin is Dairy Free too.  It shouldn’t be that hard because so am I.

 To be Continued…

It's been a while

Whew it has been a while since I posted last.  Summer has flown by; we had two hockey tournaments, which they took first place in both.  Two dragon boat races, which we took first place in one and second place in the second race.  Kristin turned another year older, she is now 5.  It is hard to believe how time has gone. 

We have eased back into fall, school has started, Mattias is in second grade and Kristin is in kindergarten.  They love their classes and Kristin is making many new friends.  Kristin just brought home her weekly homework this week and Mattias has been doing weekly home work since he started school.  Now I get to juggle two kids’ homework at night, so far it is going ok, but it is only the first week, we will see.

 They are both playing soccer.  This year Mattias is in the U8 division, this is a boy’s only division.  Kristin is playing in the U6 division and she is playing in a coed team.  Mattias has improved so much over last year in soccer.  He is really enjoying playing.  Kristin is also doing well for her first time playing.  She is very fast runner to catch up to the other team.

 

Mattias is also in his first year of the Jr. Hawks Ice hockey.  He is completing his second weekend of hockey and so right now we are doing double duty, Soccer & Ice Hockey.  Hockey is every weekend for an hour each day, and he will play in one tournament Thanksgiving weekend.

 

Dru is working at Lowes still.  He is playing roller hockey and has gotten on a team he really enjoys playing on.  It is good to see him happy again playing hockey a sport that he loves.  He has been having trouble with his foot lately, he went to a foot specialist and he found out he has a bad case of plantar fasciitis.  He now has special cream we put on his foot daily and we bought him a sturdier pair of shoes, which seems to be working for now.

As for me, I am still trucking away working full time with Parks, playing cheer mom for both my children and their activities, helping in the kids class rooms, going on field trips and I have taken on a new big responsibility as CO-Chair for the Llewellyn School Auction this year.  This is becoming my big project of the year and will last until April 6, 2013.  Somewhere in there I am still trying to find time for myself and Dru.

 

What’s next might you say, well I am working on making the kids costumes this year, we will see if they turn out.  Mattias’ will be a lot easier than Kristin’s.  Mattias wants to be a Zombie Hockey player and Kristin wants to be a Princess, surprise surprise.  My goal is to not wait three months before the next post.  We will see, life is crazy busy, but it all seems to work out.